using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
