It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
