Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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