There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
