I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
