Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
