You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
