I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The air was thick with penises
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
