the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize