Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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