My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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