I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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