Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
