She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
