all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
