Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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