Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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