Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
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