Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
