I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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