i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
