I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
