she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
