i think i have two assholes
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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