i just wanna soil my oats bro
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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