you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
they're like a gay fantastic four
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
