Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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