Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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