I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
