When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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