i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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