just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
