do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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