My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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