Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
