remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
