I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
