We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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