i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
