wrigley field is MILF paradise
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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