I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
