____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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