Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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