Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
