Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
