You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
