He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
