On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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