My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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