Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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