now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
