PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Someone shit on the floor
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
