That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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