Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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