i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
