If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
