I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
