i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
