listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
