Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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