So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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