There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So here I am, sexting at work.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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